I will never try to portray to any of you that I have lived a perfect, saintly life.  I haven't and I know that more than anyone else.  During my long struggle with insecurity, it bothered me so much to be alone that I didn't really critique the guys I dated.  As long as they came to church, I believed they were okay.  It didn't matter if they missed services a lot, or only came on Sunday mornings, or were more interested in their cell phones than the sermon.  You would think I would have learned my lesson after going through a divorce, but I didn't, and two years after my divorce I started dating someone who was almost identical to my ex-husband, at least in the way he acted toward God.  I had been reading all these books like "When God Writes Your Love Story" and when this guy seemed interested in me, I immediately thought "he must be the right one."  It took almost a year of dating him to realize how much the relationship had destroyed me, because I refused to see what other people could see.  A minister's wife I'm friends with tried to talk to me and tell me the dangers of "missionary dating" but I chose not to see what was happening in my own walk with God.  Not until we broke up did I understand what others had tried so hard to tell me...missionary dating is wrong in any form or fashion.  Some of you have heard this before, some haven't.  So, for those of you who have never heard me talk about this, here is what I learned:

1.  Missionary dating compromises your relationship with God.

Not with me, I thought.  I still attend church, read my Bible and pray.  Actually though, my prayers were more focused on my boyfriend's spiritual growth than seeking God's will in my own life.  I spent my prayer time praying for him and spent my devotional time searching the scriptures for passages that would help him grow, conveniently ignoring ones like, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.  For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?" (2 Corinthians 6:14) Yoked, I told myself, is getting married.  We aren't getting married; we're just dating.  I still experienced an inner turmoil though.  Why wasn't God changing him?  It seemed as though my prayers hit the ceiling and bounced back.  I was frustrated.  Even reading the Bible didn't bring peace, although I searched intently for verses that would ease my conscience.  When I tried to talk about spiritual things, he was never interested.  He'd change the subject.  He seemed content where he was spiritually, which I didn't understasnd.  I prayed even more for him, yet he continued to drift further away from God.

2.  Missionary dating compromises your relationship with others.

I defended his home life ("He can't help that his parents are getting divorced") and his lifestyle (He's not drinking at those parties; he just goes because he doesn't have any friends in church").  I stopped confiding in my mom and sister because I didn't want to hear their criticism of him or our relationship.  I argued with my dad and brothers about dating someone who wasn't a Christian, He is a Christian, I'd say, He goes to the same church we do.  I conveniently ignored the fact that when he came he sat on the back row and didn't get involved in the service.  I felt alone and angry.  The more my family questioned our relationship, the more I believed I had to defend him and the more determined I was to change him.  I wanted to prove them all wrong.  I wanted to show them I was right.  Why can't they just trust my judgment? I asked myself.  They just don't know him.  If they took the time to get to know him, they'd see his potential.  However, what my family saw was how everytime he had the opportunity to build a relationship with them or with God, he always had an excuse.  I was stupied enough to always believe his excuses and defend them.  They all saw right through him.  The people closest to you can see the changes happening in your life, they see the danger ahead.  Listen to their words of caution.

3.  Missionary dating leads to compromising yourself.

I didn't have sex, start drinking or attend wild parties, but, slowly, I lowered my standard for the type of guy I'd always wanted to marry.  I began to reason away the prophecies that I would marry a preacher, that I had a special anointing.  I told myself that my standards were unrealistic and too high and that spiritually strong guys didn't exist.  I fooled myself into thinking that even though this guy still went to parties on occasion, he didn't participate in anything that went on there.  How ignorant!  I believed I could teach him how to treat a lady.  I let him treat me poorly because I only allowed myself to see the person he could be, not the person he was.  When he wouldn't show up to church or church-related functions, I blamed it on everything from his exhaustion from working late to him feeling uncomfortable at church because everyone there knew about his past.  I didn't understand, with all the potential he had to be a strong spiritual leader, why he continued living the way he was.  I believed that by dating me, he'd want to become all that he could be.  Of course, this never happened and eventually I saw the truth.

"Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain" (Psalm 127:1).  This verse helped me realize that unless Jesus was Lord of the relationship, all my efforts were in vain.  Because our relationship wasn't based on Christ, it was going nowhere.  Even though I saw potential for a godly man, he didn't want to change; he didn't desire a closer relationship with God.  You can't force those desires onto someone.  God's will is never for you to be emotionally attached to someone who isn't completely in love with Him.  You should never, ever be with someone you have to beg to come to church.

Breaking up was hard.  It wasn't hard letting go of the person he was, it was hard letting go of the person I thought he could be.  I wish I could say he changed in the long run, but he didn't.  Every time I hear anything about him or see him, he is still the same way...full of excuses for why he can't live for God and blaming everything on his past.  I'm grateful that God spared me a second relationship with a guy like that and that now I know, these kinds of relationships are nothing more than the devil's inroad.  Satan isn't ignorant.  He knows your frustration at not finding the right guy yet.  He knows that you're lonely when you look at your friends who are getting married, or in a relationship that will eventually lead to that.  No one falls overnight...its a process that starts with the devil finding a way to infiltrate your heart and mind.  If he can slowly weaken you, you will eventually give up on God's will for your life.  Satan knows something that most of us never fully grasp - we can't serve two masters.  His job is to get you to loosen your grip on God so be careful not to push God's will to the side for something that will only bring you heartache in the end.

Even though I guess you could say I was an old maid (26) when I finally found the guy God had picked out for me, I can honestly say he was worth waiting for.  If you wait on God, you will get so much more than you ever dreamed of.  When people ask what I saw in Dathaniel...I can easily answer.  I respect him in everything.  I respect his walk with God.  I love that I can ask him Biblical questions and he will know the answer.  I love seeing him sit in the same chair in the library every morning with his Bible open and his prayer journal next to  him.  I love that I can ask him to pray for me when I'm struggling, that he prays with me, that he prays for me.  God's design is that the man be the spiritual leader.  A relationship just won't work any other way.

XOXO,

Amberly